I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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