Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
