You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
