i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
