and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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