i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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