my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
