do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
