He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize