what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
