Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
