Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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