Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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