Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
