I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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