I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
