allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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