he wants to bone in the snuggie
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
