WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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