he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
50% drunk capacity currently
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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