Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
What drink are we having for lunch?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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