There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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