I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
