I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
