I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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