dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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