I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
