I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
