I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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