Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I FOUND THE LEGS
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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