Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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