My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
