apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
