you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
