my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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