No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize