My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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