i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
