If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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