I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
