what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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