4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
