Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
