Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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