You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
