I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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