I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
