I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
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