I think i peed on brittanys purse
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you traded sex for a burrito?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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