i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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