drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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