Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
