oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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