hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
