I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
