There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
