hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize