omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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