how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
