He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
