Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize