My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
